Now and again we enjoy a bit of humor. And the best humor, quite often, is self-deprecating. Here are some one-liners from well-known comedians.
Carol Burnett
“I liked myself better when I wasn’t me.”
“I don’t have false teeth. Do you think I’d buy teeth like these?”
George Carlin
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”
“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
Billy Crystal
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
“I sleep like a baby—I’m up every two hours.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?”
“I like my coffee like I like my men…. I don’t drink coffee.”
Will Ferrell
“I’m actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat.”
Tina Fey
“An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women’s Affairs. Man, who’d she have to show her ankles to to get that job?”
“Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.”
“To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.”
Whoopi Goldberg
“I don’t look like Halle Berry. But chances are she’s going to end up looking like me.”
“I don’t have pet peeves; I have whole kennels of irritation.”
Jay Leno
“Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren’t famous, she would be a teacher. So, thank God she’s famous.”
“According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.”
David Letterman
“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.”
“USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”
“Robbers broke into The Gap this weekend. The suspects are being described as armed and casual.”
Steve Martin
“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
“Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.”
Lorne Michaels
“I don’t tweet for a very simple reason, which is that I drink.”
Eddie Murphy
“Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten.”
“I tell ya, I’m ’bout as crazy as a dog in a hubcap factory.”
Bill Murray
“I don’t have to take this abuse from you. I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.”
Bob Newhart
“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, ‘denigrate’ means ‘put down.'”
Richard Pryor
“I had to stop drinking, ’cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.”
“I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.”
Carl Reiner
“A lot of people like snow. I find it an unnecessary freezing of water.”
Neil Simon
“Gee, what a terrific party… Later on we’ll get some fluid and embalm each other.”
Lily Tomlin
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?”
“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.”
“No matter how cynical you get, it’s impossible to keep up.”
“Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?”
Jonathan Winters
“I’m from the Delbert Home for the Unusual.”
“I have a photographic memory; I just haven’t developed it yet.”